


I can do it, but I have lost the ability to 'can'

by Chief_Airborn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Break Up, M/M, Novel, i dont know what to do anymore, light novel?, potential, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:16:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1928022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chief_Airborn/pseuds/Chief_Airborn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a really shitty novel about Dave wanting to break up with John.</p><p>"I couldn't say a single word, and now I am about to loose someone I had mixed feelings for--,<br/>No, I love him. <br/>I love John, but why can't I say it?<br/>How weak am I?<br/>when did I ever say that i love him?<br/>when did I ever get the chance?</p><p>Huh?<br/>Is it raining?<br/>Where dose this water come from?<br/>It  Just keeps coming.<br/>and now my face is wet.<br/>hehe."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can do it, but I have lost the ability to 'can'

**Author's Note:**

> i lost my confident to everything.  
> i just want to wright and read to feel better but i cant.  
> so thank you so much if you are giving this novel a chance :)
> 
> (Based on a Norwegian love story/movie i saw)

There he is.  
The guy I am intended to break up with. He is always happy, it is quit rare for him to be otherwise. And if he is, it's for very special occasions.  
His dorky face is the same as always, like when we met the first time.  
Years in the past.  
I know everything about him and remember everything I experienced with him.  
When we first met, our first date, when we moved in together, when we lived, loved, fought and made up.   
All of them.   
All of the times.  
He was always so precious and kind, even if he pulled pranks, he meant well. And I admit, he is a man full of surprises.   
Well, he is a dork but at least he is special.  
Was special.   
He is wearing one of his stupid puffy knee-high shorts and a blue western-collar shirt with a white T-shirt sticking out from underneath.  
He looks Fancy, clean and neat.  
Our home was always neat, thanks to his effort.  
His cloths was always neatly placed somewhere in the apartment. In the dirty basket, in the closet or when changing. They were always placed neat.  
He used to smile when he saw me passing by.  
His smile could light up every gloomy day and his voice was nothing more than wonderful and addicting, even when he yelled in anger.  
His hair, his fucking stupid hair always stood in the most bizarre and random positions but seamed perfect every time.   
Just Like now.  
And his eyes, oh Jesus, his eyes is something I can drown in, so deep, so blue, so wonderful.  
I can't even describe the feeling of looking at them. I could just sit there and admire his eyes for hours and hours on end.  
But he would just giggle and say that I was staring again.  
every time.  
All the time.  
He make me feel pleasant, good, happy, safe, sound, cheerful...  
I do remember all the times he would cheer me up after a long day and when he couldn't resist in dragging me outside telling me I need healing of the nature.  
dragging me out.  
in the nature.  
and from my anxiety.  
And I'm standing here, about to let go of all that, making it the past and not the present and possible future.  
Fuck.  
I just don't feel the same heat as I did back then.  
Back when I loved him more than anything, more than life.  
He was my life.  
He was my time, my breath and happiness.  
But I have gotten so focused on work I don't have room or time to feel anything anymore.  
I feel empty, all the time.  
is this what robots feel?  
I just don't want to get him hanged up in my stress anymore.  
Everything is so hard to explain:  
Is what I wish to say to not feel like an ass. To be honest, I just don't feel anything anymore.  
Am I the bad guy now?  
I am no hero, that's for sure.  
what hero thinks that someone's smell was like honey mixed with everything beautiful and nice, thinking someones skin and hair was the most wonderful thing in the world and I would do anything to return by his side.  
I mean the hero.  
sight.  
I was so obsessed with him before, weird how such a strong feeling just, disappears.  
Like smoke in the air.  
Now it feels weird having him by my side. I began noticing how clingy he acutely was and how much attention he craved.  
when i wasn't blinded by love.  
He would never listen and just continue being stubborn, once we wouldn't speak to each other for three whole days.  
Shit, he noticed me.  
Ok, Quick! do something.  
I lift my arm, waving him over. He turns in my direction and I can see his body in full view angle.  
Damn'it, why is he so gorgeous?   
who even uses the word gorgeous.  
He smiles again.  
How can he smile?  
For what I am about to do, non of us should me smiling.  
I feel nervous, I think I'm sweating.   
Wonder if he sees my worried look, of course he does not. I'm wearing shades.  
His shades.  
The one he gave me.  
Ok, be cool Strider.  
Be cool.  
Cool as a block of ice.  
A block of ice in the middle North Pole, surrounded by polar bears skiing down another ice berg.   
Hella cool.  
Fuuuuck.  
John is staring, his face starts to look like he has a question.   
I know because he tilts his head and raises an eyebrow whenever he is wondering.   
I open my mouth to say his name but quickly shuts it for being to nervous. What will happen with John when I break it off?  
Will he be sad? Or just don't care and go on with his life?  
No, he will defiantly be sad. That is just the best reaction suitable for him. I hope he will care.  
I wonder, will this breakup ruin him?  
Will I leave him grieving over a box of ice cream like one of those sassy city girl movies?   
No, that would have been horrible.  
I can't just let him cry alone in the apartment.  
My apartment.  
His apartment.  
Our apartment.   
I just.  
if I breakup, It would no longer be my problem. I no longer have to worry about it.  
Not my problem, not my responsibility.  
Agh, no don't think such.  
No Matter what, he is still my friend. I can't just vales in to Happy-go-lucky-land and leave him 4 dead.  
I mean, leave him to cry.   
See? I can't even think straight.  
Hehe, straight, I never was straight. I have been hella gay for this piece of Egbert for the longest time.  
So long back, even the Greek gods used diapers.   
But what now.  
How do i feel now?

"So, what did you want to talk about?"  
He asks hiding his voice away.  
Shit, I forgot that I called him out here.  
His voice!  
So dorky!   
So...nice.  
Its like heavens move in circles when he talk, giving the sky the same color as his eyes, his speech reek of taste, smell and color.

Fuck.  
I, Can not.

I can't do it.   
I just can't force myself to break his heart. I don't want him to quit living with me or living in my life.  
Or be by my side.

...

Maybe I am breaking my own heart by doing this?  
I.   
I can't even think proper sentences.  
If I don't want to break it off, then what am I even doing here?  
"I, uh, I think I know why you brought me out here today, Dave."  
He says with out a single sound coming from me.  
"It is probably because you want to... break up... Heh, I kind of figured. You have been quit distance lately.  
And I keep feeling that you are ignoring me for some reason.  
Maybe it is because of work!? I don't know.   
*sight* I'm rambling again.  
Well, it is quit clear that you're no longer interested in our relationship.  
I talked to Rose about this, and she thought so too.  
She is heck of an manager!  
Hehe.  
Well, anyhow.  
I'll...move out as soon as possible, I acutely got to stay at Kanaya and Rose's place until I'm able to find my own.  
My point is...  
You don't have to do it.  
I will.  
Im breaking up with you, Dave.  
...  
Geez. That was hard to say.  
Um, take care Dave.  
and thank you for everything."

My body auto-nod as if I was speechless and out of options.  
With out a single word from me during that conversation, John turns and heads for the same direction as he came from.  
But a few meters away he turns slightly, enough for me to see half of his face.  
"A-and Dave. Let's...s-still be bro's."  
He Shudder, before walking away.   
I swear, I saw a tear or two. Or at least red/pink skin surrounding his eye.   
His expression left my mind blank for a moment.  
I couldn't say a single word, and now I am about to loose someone I had mixed feelings for--,  
No, I love him.   
I love John, but why can't I say it?  
How weak am I?  
when did I ever say that i love him?  
when did I ever get the chance?

Huh?  
Is it raining?  
Where dose this water come from?  
It Just keeps coming.  
and now my face is wet.  
hehe.  
No it's not rain, just properly someone cutting onions nearby.  
Damn ninja's cutting onions in public.  
Yeah, that must...be it.  
Fuck.  
Shit.  
Fuck me, what have I done.  
i should never had left my office this morning.  
I'm sorry couldn't be that brave hero you wished for.  
Bro...  
Help me.  
What should I do?


End file.
